Happiness...??

So, haven't written here in a bit.  I've been crazy busy with just general life things for the most part.  But tonight I'm in one of my strange moods, so figured I'd just throw some thoughts down out of my brain.  I've been sitting here thinking about happiness, or at least the mental feeling that you're happy.  How many people would truly confess as being happy about their current situation?  Are you truly happy with the way you look?  Your weight?  Your sense of style?  The features and characteristics that you were born with?  Your ethnicity? Your home, job, family, pet etc.?  I mean, is anyone ever really truly happy and content about these things all at once?  Or are we just beings that can't handle that?  We like to think that we're happy with ourselves and all of our many facets.  But we're always criticizing and assessing our skin, weight, sense of style.  There's always something to be refined.  Can we truly be content with who we are?  Again, are we even capable?  It's like every time you finally become content or at least decide to be content about one thing then your brain instantly goes to the next topic that you have to worry about.  And when things finally settle down and don't seem to be so worrisome, then you start to nit-pick about the tiniest of issues.  Why is it so damned hard just to be content about your situation and happy with where you are?  I think in some crazy way it all boils down to the fact that happiness is freaking hard work.  Happiness just doesn't happen.  And in life, happiness doesn't just show up when the bills are paid, the work is done, and people are off your back.  You have decide to be happy, you have to decide to be content with what you have.  There isn't anything wrong with wanting to "upgrade" things in your life.  But sometimes, just sometimes, you have to be willing to get your money out of what you've already invested in.  Some things just don't come with an "upgrade."  You can't just trade out the people in your life because you didn't get the kids you want.  You can't upgrade your man once you've made a lifetime commitment.  With the exception of plastic surgery, you don't get to upgrade what your parents gave you ;-)  Life gets hard, and sometimes slow; and I sincerely think that built into us is a desire to truly be better and do more, but that doesn't mean that we have to be unhappy about where we are now.  Sometimes, it's just all a matter of attitude change.  I, for one, and am going to work harder to just not worry and be happier!

What History is there?

Today I was sitting at work not doing much of anything because it was the slow part of the day.  Out of nowhere one of my co-workers comes up to me with one of the local papers covering a small blurb about CA legislation involving the attempt to ban teaching gay history in public schools.  She points to the small caption story and asks me pretty honestly, "What history?  What history is there to teach?"  I have to be honest, for a moment I thought she was joking with me and I kinda just looked at her.  "I mean, is there really that much history they can teach?" she asked.  Half as an answer and half as a stall to get my brain back in my head I reached into my bag and handed her 'Stonewall' by David Carter, which I'm reading currently.  She said, "oh yeah, I remember when this happened but didn't think it was that much history to teach."  I mentioned that in gay history this is basically the beginning of the modern LGBT movement.  You know what her reaction was?  "Oh, I didn't know there was any history, or movement, or anything!"  Really?  I mean really?  The whole thing lead to a broader discussion, but I had to stop and think to myself: how many more people don't know that there is a history or a movement?  How many of "us" don't even know or understand the history of our "gay family?"  To be completely transparent, I know that I don't know as much history as I should....hence the book.  At the same time, how many people out there don't even have a clue what's going on in the gay world like this lady.  I mean would I be remiss if I said that I didn't know there was a history for women's rights or for African American civil liberties?  Yet, there are obviously people who are completely ignorant of gay civil rights.  How does this happen?  Is it simply ignorance or is it apathy towards other cultures?  And if we were truly educating children and adults alike; how many more people could get behind the movement when they know the facts?  How many more people could take up the stand when they know how hard we've already been fighting and how many great things have come about because of gays?  How much homophobia could potentially be silenced when all the information is on the table?

Lemons and Surprises..

So obviously, this isn't going to be a blog posted every day religiously.  However, I do want to post regularly.  Though it's 3 am and I should really be having face time with my pillow, I just feel the need to throw some things out there.  After nights like tonight and really weekends like these last few I tend to get sentimental about life and the things that are going on around me.  Deal with it, lol!  Within approximately the two and half years that I have come out, I have come a long, long, long way.  Life has definitely handed me lemons many a time, and sometimes it's just bitter there is no making lemonade.  But, life has also handed me many surprises and amazing people.  I think back to living in Cumberland and trying to get over a relationship that I really wanted to hold onto, but it was oh so bad for me; and a relationship that had just ended in friendship but that needed to be terminated for the sake of us both.  Living in a smaller, rural, countrified city was never bad, but it was definitely tough sometimes.  It was certainly not the place for me, but I never thought that I'd get out either.  Now, this short time later I think back on just the last two days and I can't believe what I do on my time off.  Yesterday I was having drink and dinner with some of the most amazing guys I could ever wish to have come in contact with.  I couldn't have fathomed in years that there would be a group of bears, chubbies, and chasers that would love me, respect me, and understand me the way that they do.  That alone makes the move priceless.  Both, last night and tonight I found myself in bars and clubs where I knew for sure that there was someone else gay like me (and that's an understatement!).  Tonight, I was drug out of one of those crowds by a bar manager to schmooze with one of the most wonderful and over the top drag queens out there all while on stage in front of everyone and with Justin by my side.  And all because we just finished filming for MTV........Me??  From what most consider to be the-middle-of-nowhere-Maryland, to living just outside The Nation's Capitol celebrating my gay relationship in gay bars with real life queens and drag queens.  There are days when life is so surreal.  But I wouldn't change it for anything!  Thank you, however, from the bottom of my heart to our Bourgie Bear group, to people like Joey and Kristina from Apex and Perry from Omega, to Lauren and Daniel and Brian and Stephan for coming out to the bars with us.  Your hospitality, love, compassion, senses of humor, and general openness have allowed me to be here and experience so much more than I could have ever imagined.  It is because of who you are that I can be who I truly am inside every day.  So, no major life changing realization in this post, sorry.  But a truly heartfelt thank you to those special people that touch our lives.  We love you!!

While I've Got Your Attention...

Just wanted to pass along an idea for all you foodie bears, chubbies, and chasers in my life... We all know that one of our favorite hobbies is to eat well, eat anything, and to take pictures of it.  Just wanted to see if anyone would be interested in hopping in on a fun foodie blog that we could share around.  Send over your pictures and reviews of your food and drink (yelp style etc) and we'll compile it in one place for everyone to see.  Just a thought....

Something new...

Justin and I have threatened to start a blog more times than I can count.  We even set one up and added a few pictures, but I don't even know where the password and info is anymore, LOL!!  We sometimes feel like we just have so many things to say or share with the people we know and love.  While Facebook is nice and definitely a kind of blog, sometimes I just want to write something longer, tell stories, and share things that can be passed on to others who aren't a part of my Facebook page.  So, here is something new.  A place to chat and share whatever comes to mind.  I hope you guys like it, follow it, and feel free to comment!